I exit the train followed by younger black man. This man proceeds to urinate off the platform and tells me I can watch if I want. I walk away towards the end of the platform. Wait for the crosswalk light to come on. Unfortunately, he finished peeing and caught up to me. He then told me I had a nice purse. I said thanks and crossed the street. He followed. As I was waiting for my friend to pick me up on the corner he asked me if i was ok or if i needed anything. I said no I’m just waiting for my friend to pick me up. Then he asked for my name. I said “I don’t feel comfortable.” Then he walked away cussing and saying “You’re loss…you’re bad…you’re loss…you’re bad!”
So i’m sitting in Barnes and Noble for the 2nd day in a row while Aaron teaches lessons in Calabasas because i have no life and no where to be. I’m just the inconvenience in the passenger seat. But to be fair the valley is just inconvenient. But in that spirit so is Long Beach. I just feel really pointless right now cause my internship is whining down and they don’t have much work for me so i only go in one day a week. My piano is at Christine’s cause originally i thought i would need it for Artworks on Saturdays but i haven’t used it once and now i don’t have a car to transport it back to long beach and i miss it and i can’t work on music. I’m not in a band. I have literally NO hours at Bath and Body Works. I can’t help but compare my life to Aaron’s where he does music all day every day in some shape or form and it just depresses me. I bought some vocal warm ups so i can listen to them on my ipod and do them in the car everday…then i remembered i don’t have a chord to transfer them on my ipod or a car to warm up in. And i left my headphones at my internship. I got asked to sing at Mosaic on Sunday but i can’t cause i don’t have a car to make the practice in pasadena tomorrow morning or the other gatherings on sunday. If i don’t get a job that gives me some sort of purpose really soon i’m going to explode. I’m bored. I’m tired. I’m poor. and I want to sing. Fuck this.
but don’t really want to admit. There was this boy…i met and totally fell for. There really is no reason why. It was just something that happened without any type of chance. It was something that was obvious. Something that was planned by someone other then ourselves. He was beautiful in his own existence. I’m not sure that to this day he knows that. I did and do love him. But the did and do are very different types of love. I did love him in a romantic fairy tale way. The kind where you’d do anything to see that person smile and love them in a way that made life worth living. I do love him in a way where i’d do anything to prove to him that life is worth smiling over. and that he is a beautiful man. if only he’d let himself be a man. i still think about him a lot. like tonight. i wish i could look into his eyes and trust that he’s ok. for once. his life has always scared me. the fact that his life is so fleeting to him. that he so easily can give so much up. sometimes i just wish i could hug him so prove to him that there’s people out there in this world that will never stop loving him despite what type of love that might be. so i guess all this to say…i just want that boy to know he is loved…cherished…and beautiful in the mistakes and in the accomplishments he’s made. he won’t ever know…atleast not from me. cause he’s far away…”living the dream” as he says. Goodnight boy. I hope you feel these words some day.
So I started helping out with the start-up process/the actual process of a non-profit called The 24 Foundation. Our first session started in November and the last day is December 5th. We meet from 1-4 each saturday and work with a militant program called Sunburst Academy. We have 50 girls and they’re all broken up according to what art they are interested in. I lead a group of 9 girls who are interested in vocals. I also have been Christine’s (the girl who started the whole program) right hand person through all of this. Ok…so enough back story. So a couple weeks ago i receive a invite to a wedding shower for one of my former best friends. We would still be best friends if she hadn’t cut me out of her life a few years back for lifestyle choices i was making that really didn’t effect her in anyway. We’ve never really healed since that. But now we are technically on “good terms”. Anyways, so i get this invite which lands on the same day and the last day of the 24 program. Not only the same day but at the same time. I’ve made so much effort to rekindle our relationship and i know that me not attending her bridal shower will be a huge deal. Like drama-rama huge deal. So i text her (my bad…shoulda just called and been the bigger person) and asked how late her shower would go. She responded with: don’t know. Why? I responded with: well i have a previous commitment on that day but i wanted to see if i could still make it. It goes from 1-4. She responds with: Don’t bother. It will be over. I respond with: Well are you busy after or on another day cause i’d like to meet up with you guys? She responds: This is (her no name fiance). What commitment do you have that is more important then (no name friend)’s bridal shower?! I respond with: I explain the 24 foundation and what i will be doing. Then also add: When i got the invitation i was really upset cause both events are really important to me and i’m trying to find the best solution. Now he responds with: We’re running errands. she’ll call you later she says.
WTF?!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY?!!!! Is your life so fucking important that it trumps all? Like i want to be there to support your marriage like i have all along but really?! Its not like i’m skipping out for a party…its a legit reason. I have prior engagements!!! You cut me out of your life…didn’t even tell me you got engaged…didn’t ask me to be in the wedding like we had talked about for years…treat me like i’m an untolerable person for like a year when i did nothing personally to you and then have the balls to pull this shit?! I think not. I think you can’t see past your own massive wedding and all the plans that it requires because it’s really all that matters to you. you, your fiance, and your wedding. I’m done trying to constantly impress you and walk on egg shells so i don’t accidentally upset the happy couple. You can have your wedding and your life apart form as you so desire cause this friendship is not worth my emotion. I’m done.
I’m on season 5 of L Word and still love it. Why? I’m not really sure…but omg Jenny is such a bitch now!
